Breast Kept Secrets: I’m Not a Hero

Welcome back to Breast Kept Secrets! If you missed the first story, check it out before reading story #2. A quick refresher: I’m keeping a chronicle of my lessons and ugly truths gleaned while fighting breast cancer in my 20’s.

Breast Kept Secret #3: You Won’t Feel Like a Hero

Inevitably when you make your diagnosis public, you will receive an outpouring of love and support. You now have a path to choose. One, you fight your cancer battle privately. Or, you fight it publicly. Neither is right or wrong; any cancer patient will tell you it is solely your choice of how you handle sharing your diagnosis. Because I’m a millennial and wear my emotions on my sleeve, I’ve been pretty public about my diagnosis and treatment. Obviously The Breast Kept Secrets series wouldn’t exist if I was keeping my battle private!

On a nearly daily basis I am told that I am an inspiration. I am a hero. I am giving hope to others. I am mother freakin’ teresa. I politely smile and say thank you, or give a ‘heart’ to a Facebook comment. But internally I am fighting every urge to reply with, “I certainly don’t feel like a hero.”

Because cancer is my new normal, how I deal with it and share it also seems very normal. And in full transparency, I’m doing most of it for my own sanity, not for the sake of others. My life before cancer revolved around work and my clients’ needs. But life during cancer revolves around…a lot of laying in bed and going to doctor’s appointments. The rest of it is ugly and brutal. It’s non-heroic things like talking to your oncologist about bowel movements, walking through the grocery store for 30 minutes and leaving with no food because nothing tastes good, breaking down in Starbucks because a child stared a little too long at your bald head.

But mostly I don’t feel like a hero or inspiration because I’m just living life. I’m doing what anyone else does in this situation. I’m fighting cancer because I don’t have a choice. I’m dealing with chemo side effects because I don’t have a choice. I’m transitioning my life to a new normal because I don’t have a choice.

It is OK to not feel like a hero. It is OK to tell people you don’t feel like a hero. When you receive a breast cancer diagnosis you do not automatically have to take up the cause of being the poster child for the disease. YOU get to make the choice of how you handle it.

Breast Kept Secret #4: Sometimes You Won’t Want to Fight

The words associated with cancer automatically imply that your new diagnosis is more than hard, it’s gearing up for war. ‘Fight’, ‘Battle’, ‘Warrior’; gear up soldier, it’s time to fight some cancer cells.

It’s a daily fight. From sun up to sun down your body is in a full-fledge attack on the cancer that has invaded your body. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And on a weekly basis, I think to myself, ‘What if I just stopped fighting?” I could stop chemo. I could forego a mastectomy. I could put a permanent hold on radiation. I could just…not fight. This statement isn’t saying I want to end my life. This idea is that the pain I’m enduring while fighting cancer is brutal. It’s a daily fight that takes a physical, emotional, and mental toll. It takes pieces of you that you will never get back. After a while you question if it’s really worth it. You question if you can keep going. You question why you chose this path in the first place.

These are the days that I don’t want to talk to anyone. These are the days that I don’t want to hear that I’m a hero. These are the days I don’t want to explain to anyone that I’m ready to stop fighting. Because I don’t think any non-cancer patient would understand what I’m going through. And no words will make me feel better. I just know it’s a phase I have to go through, and eventually, my fighting spirit will come back. I’ll rally the troops and we will go out to the battle field again. And we will beat the enemy.

So, know that it’s OK to not have a fighting spirit 24/7. Recognize that you’ll want to give up, and don’t be hard on yourself when that feeling arises. Deal with it in a way that feels comfortable to you. But rest assured, you will want to fight again.